Published in THE NEAPOLITAN ONLINE

The book—and now movie—50 Shades of Grey may be dirty and sexy, but like dirt and sex, it’s doing serious damage to our wardrobe. If you’re wondering how, the scandalizing truth is that there are actually fifty-five shades of grey (or “gray,” if you prefer to seem less refined). So if you, like most of us, have been taking the book at face value, you’ve been missing out on five fabulous shades of grey. Which five? Well, there’s the rub. It’s entirely possible that each of us has omitted a different five shades from our closet. Heaven help the woman who’s been living without “thundercloud,” “smog,” “platinum,” “shiny quarter” and “hubcap.”

The only way to rectify the problem is to list all fifty-five shades of grey here for your reference. Find the shades you’ve been missing and add them to your wardrobe to start making a (dull) statement. Bonus: We’re categorizing greys by occasion, so you’ll never again have to worry whether it’s appropriate to show up to that brunch in “dead tooth.”

All the Greys:

For Work
rain cloud
thundercloud
iCloud

For Going Out
shiny quarter
beer-covered quarter
condom-machine quarter

For Commuting
smog
hubcap
blue-grey

For Seduction
grey-silver
silver-grey
grey’s anatomy’s grey, meredith

For the Gym or Outdoor Adventures
cadet grey
sweatshirt grey
knee-skinned grey
timberwolf

For ’80s Movie Marathons
heather grey

For Hangin’ With the Guys
gunmetal
pinball machine metal
metal bumper metal

For Around the House
salt-and-pepper grey
needs-a-dye-job grey
ring-around-the-collar grey

For Eye Doctor Appointments
ring-around-the-iris grey
glaucous

For the Dentist
bistre
cool gray
cigarette smoke

For Anything But the Dentist
dead tooth

For Formal Occasions
Isabelline
platinum
Burberry stripe

For Informal Occasions
BlackBerry stripe

For Informing Occasions
dot-com Slate

For Brunch
taupe
medium taupe
spicy taupe

For Intellectual Property Pursuits
Payne’s gray
Davy’s gray
When-Payne-punches-Davy’s gray bruise

For Dress-to-Impress
rose quartz
pale silver
i-sunk-your battleship gray

For Dress-to-Piss-Off-PETA
sable

For Interviews
cinereous
stone

For Space Expeditions
Mars black

For Arson
ash
marijuana ash
Catholic ash

For Ocean Adventures
dolphin
unpainted anchor
watered-down-oil-spill grey

For Anything But Ocean Adventures
seal skin

For Eastern Europeans With an Accent Trying to Say “Pitch Black”
peach black

So the next time you’re stuck with a day that’s gray and lonely, pick a new shade and make your day “bistre” or “timberwolf” and lonely instead.