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For items that are closeted, they’re not shy.

Tank Top

“Um, she and I are really close. Tight knit. Bosom buddies. She’s my best friend. Did she say I was her best friend?”

Keds

“Uses a lot of four letter words for someone who’s so sweet looking. I think she has a double bow problem.”

T-Shirt

“She’s not unattractive, but she talks a lot about ISIS. Or ice cream… I forget. Her words go in one arm and out the other.”

Cardigan

“Such a sense of humor. This one time, she tied me around her shoulders as if we were going to date preppies and join a country club in 1988. Hilarious!”

Short Shorts

“She can’t keep anything to herself. Her hands, her lip gloss, her spare condom. Always sticking them in me.”

Bermuda Shorts

“Just don’t eat the last of her ice cream, bro. That’s all I’ll say.”

Flip Flops

“Can’t keep a pedicure to save her life – or mine – and flirts with anything that moves. Bi-atch.”

Skort

“Really sweet. Like the kind of person you can totally confide in. She’ll never judge you. Like even if you’re an outdated portmanteau.”

Sundress

“Honestly? We’re on the outs. Last time I saw her, she gave me this ice cream stain: chocolate chocolate chip. Too bad it doesn’t come out as easily as her sideboob.”